Eyes Open
by TR-Fanfic
Summary: Set after Retreat Hell, Mac finds out how Harm feels about her from an unlikely source.
1. Chapter 1

Set right after Retreat Hell. This is a different take and a different reaction from Renee' to Harm calling her Mac.

I don't own JAG, but if I did I would have put in a Scene in Retreat Hell that had Harm and Renee' and Mac and Mic out on a double date, while Harm was hallucinating. What fun would that be!

Eyes Open

By TR

Rated Mild.

I could say I didn't know what I was doing there, but it was long past time for lies, even the ones I told to myself. I was there because I had to know. Once and for all, to know just how big of a fool I'd made of myself. And for how long. I stood in front of her apartment door. Looked down the hall, one side then the other. Distracting myself with the design details of the woodwork, the color commentary of the carpet. Stalling. It was warm, classy, and so...her. What I knew of her anyway. Which wasn't much, or, I feared, maybe too much. Time would tell. Choosing, with effort, to stop being a coward, I squared my shoulders, snapped my business façade into place over my bleeding heart and knocked on the door. I could hear someone shuffling on the other side. A change in the air, in the sound. A calming. Like something in the background had ceased its production of white noise. I heard the door creak slightly, and could only assume she was looking through the peep hole into the hallway. I smiled, and felt like I was posing for a mug shot.

After the usual jangling of the chain, thumps and clicks of the locks, she opened the door. She stood in her bare feet, wrapped in a pale pink robe, her hair half dried and the hair dryer in her hand no longer making its white noise. She didn't have an ounce of make-up on her face. And she was beautiful. I'd never seen her that way before, and I shifted on my heels, moved my designer purse from one shoulder to the other. It had taken me an hour in the mirror to convince myself that the heavy make up I'd applied had sufficiently covered the redness of tears. Then, face to face with her I felt like an overdone, inadequate, fool.

Her brown eyes registered surprise that quickly turned to what could only be described as terrified concern. So much for covering the tear tracks.

"Renee'?" She stepped forward, almost out into the hall. Put her hand on my arm. Her eyes were fierce, her body battle ready. She was in full rescue mode. "What are you...? Has something happened to Harm?" She looked as if she was ready to do anything, go anywhere, raise him from the dead if necessary.

I wanted to huff and laugh and cry and yank my hair out and strangle myself with it. Of course her first thoughts would be of him. Why wouldn't they be? That's the only way she knew me. I tried to smile. "No, nothing has happened to him. Well, not that I know of..." Suddenly tired, I shifted my weight to the other heel. "May I come in?"

She shook her head in an almost comical fashion. And the Marine disappeared back into the body of the woman. "I...Yes of course, I'm sorry. I just didn't expect..." She stepped to the side putting her free hand out in invitation. "Have a seat."

"Thanks," I said, but remained standing. "Is Mic here?"

She frowned. "No he's not, he's out of town."

For some reason I felt relieved. "Good. That will make things...easier."

"Why don't you sit down? What's...?"

"I think I'd rather stand if that's alright, I...work better that way."

She nodded. Set the hairdryer on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch. Waited.

I looked her in the eye. "I came here to ask you a question. I'd like an honest answer."

She gave me a small smile. "I don't give any other kind. As a rule."

"Is there something going on between you and Harm?"

I saw shock in her eyes, but couldn't tell if it was coupled with guilt or regret. Neither one was to my liking, though completely expected. A little of the lawyer in her came out with her response.

"Going on in what way?"

I hesitated. I'd been around enough military people to know that questioning the honor of a Marine was a risky business. I sighed. Suddenly feeling simultaneously heavy and weak. I put my purse on the table and sat at the other end of the couch. Time to cut to the chase. "Are you and Harm having an affair?"

Shock turned to insult in less than a second. "No," was her quiet, cold, emphatic reply.

I nodded. Wondering why I didn't feel the anvil lift away from my chest. "Okay," I said quietly. I felt the façade I'd snapped on break loose and go clattering to the floor. Leaving me exposed. She must have seen it too, because when I said nothing else, I felt her move closer. Once again she touched my arm. This time it was a touch of compassion.

"Why do you ask?" She said softly. One look into her eyes, now full of sympathetic concern and I knew why he loved her. I saw in her an unassuming strength that I'd once admired in myself. Where had it gone? I knew the answer even as it pained me to know it. It had fled the moment I fell in love with the man who fell in love with the woman beside me.

I chose to tell her the truth. She deserved to know it. After all I'd barged into her home and questioned her honor.

I felt myself swallow hard. Getting the knot out of the way so the words could emerge unimpeded. "He called me by your name." I said it softly, but I might as well have been screaming it at the top of my lungs. As my heart had screamed the moment it had happened.

I saw her shaking her head out of the corner of my eye, as I became fascinated with folding and unfolding my hands.

"I beg your pardon?"

"He called me by your name. Just said it. Breathed it. Like it was the most natural thing in the world. He just said, 'Mac'".

Mac frowned, remembering, as if something clicked behind her eyes. "When did this happen?"

"A few days ago."

She laughed, "I think I have an explanation."

I huffed out a breath. Felt the flutter of it on my lips. "Yeah, he was thinking about you."

She shifted, engaging my full attention. "Renee', he had a concussion."

"What?"

"He fell out of the Admiral's chair and hit the back of his head on the floor. A few days ago. He wasn't quite…himself that day. He sees me all of the time, it would only make sense that he'd be confused..."

"He didn't tell me."

She smirked. "If you were Harm would you tell you? I'm sure he was embarrassed."

"Did he do anything...out of the ordinary, at the office?"

Her smirk fell away leaving an expression of discomfort. "A few things. Nothing major."

I felt my eyes narrow. There was something in her tone. "Those 'few things', did they have to do with you?"

She looked away, and then back again. "I'm his partner. Given our level of interaction It's only natural that he would..."

"Mac...he was kissing me. When he said your name, he was kissing...ME."

I fought to keep my emotions in check, even as I watched her face go slack.

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh." I sat back, exhausted. Knowing I'd already lost the war. I'd known it before I showed up there. I didn't look at her. I didn't have to, I knew what her expression would be. "He was different with you wasn't he. At work?"

I saw her nod in my peripheral vision. "Renee'...I don't know what to say."

"I know. This changes things Mac."

"This doesn't have to change things."

"Yes it does."

Her voice rose. "I'm no threat to you. I've never laid a hand on him."

"But did you ever want to?"

She pursed her lips. And I knew the answer before she gave it. "Yes. He...didn't agree. He...chose you."

This surprised me. More than anything else. "Me?"

"Yes, you. We were in Australia and I offered to...begin a relationship with him. He turned me down. If memory serves he had already had a few dates with you. I didn't know you two were exclusive at that time, but I guess Harm saw it that way."

There was remembered pain in her eyes, and despite the circumstances, my heart went out to her. "I always wondered what it was that made him look at you that way Mac. Now I know. It's regret. If you asked him again Mac, he would have a different answer."

"That's not true!"

"Yes it is. He'll never look at me that way. He'll never say my name the way that he said yours."

She shook her head. Disbelief on her face. "Listen. You don't know what was going on in that brain of his." She smirked at me in an expression of full understanding. "I imagine that's true even on days when he hasn't fallen on his head. He wants you in his life."

She looked at me earnestly, not knowing she was echoing the words he'd said to me just the night before. "But he has you in his heart."

She seemed at a loss. "I imagine it was quite a blow to have him say someone else's name. Especially when..." She sighed. "But that doesn't mean that you two don't have something. That one day you can't..."

"...mend fences? Bridge the gap? Close the divide? That's exactly what he said."

"I was going to say, 'make a life together'."

I had to laugh, it was just too absurd an idea. Too far out of reach. "Mac, Harm and I will never walk down the isle, and it's taken me far too long to realize it. I tried to convince myself that after you married Mic that he would be okay with settling down with me. But that's what he would be doing. Settling. I don't want to be settled for. He's not an easy man to understand as I'm sure you know." She nodded. "But I do know that he doesn't love me."

"Renee'..."

"Mac. He doesn't. Whatever parts of him, buried under all of that baggage, that know how to love, love you. You. Not me." I didn't wait for her to respond. I picked up my purse and stood. Feeling like a heel for throwing a wrench into her life when she'd done nothing to provoke it. "I'm sorry for coming in and telling you this. For complicating your plans and your life. I just…had to know if you and he... I just had to know. Can you get that?"

She was staring at the carpet, her face upset, shocked, baffled. "Yeah," she said softly. "I get that."

"You know you're a lucky girl to have Mic. I'm sure you know that. Take care of yourself Mac. And…look after Harm for me." I shook my head. "What am I saying? Of course you'll look after him. That's what you two do."

I turned and left before I exposed my heart any further, before I could cause anymore turmoil. As I closed the door, I saw her lean forward, and place her head in her hands. "I'm sorry Mic," I whispered, betting my bottom dollar that he would not be walking down the isle anytime soon either. I wanted to fix it, but the damage had been done.

End of scene. Good? Bad? Out house grime? Let me know.


	2. Chapter 2

Three days

This is part 2 of "Eyes Open" my March 2008 HBX Challenge story. I hadn't intended to make this a multi-parter, but it told me that's what it wanted, and far be it for me to hold a story back when it wants to be told.

I don't own JAG, but if I did, I would have had Mic, Mac, Renee' and Harm, all switch partners. Mic and Renee' were too well suited, not to end up together.

Eyes Open Part 2 of 4

by TR

Three days. That's how long it took me to lose the battle with my pride and do what I had to do. Three days of watching her sink deeper and deeper inside herself. Three days of "Yes Mic…No Mic" and all of the one word answers in between. Three days of not letting me touch her. I had tried to pry it out of her. Whatever was sticking in her craw, but it wouldn't budge, and she wasn't willing to help it along. All I knew was that whatever it was, it had to do with him. I tried for two of those days to convince myself that she didn't think about him anymore. But a deaf and blind man would have known that wasn't true. I may have been a cad at times, a fool, even a manipulator, but I was not a liar, especially to myself. I'd been with her long enough to know that when she had that look on her face it always has to do with him.

I walked up the stairs to his floor of the building. I hadn't wanted to risk it with that rickety looking elevator. The stairs didn't look anymore promising. I couldn't help the grimace that came to my face, growing more intense with each creaking step. "What a dump!" I muttered to myself, and shook my head. I knew his parents had money. Renee' had told me as much when we'd had our night out. So why he'd chosen to live in that dive I'd never understand. I'd long since stopped trying to make sense of anything that bloke did. When I got to his door there was a single thought in my head. What had he done to Sarah this time?

I rapped three times on the door. Heard the faint guitar music stop, and the shuffling of his feet before he opened it.

He frowned. "Brumby? What are you...?" Alarm leapt to this face, his voice turned from confused to strong and focused, and I swore beneath that every man facade I could see his knight's armor gleaming. "Has something happened to Mac? Where is she?"

Of course she would've been the first thing he thought of. I hadn't wanted to listen to the logical part of my mind that reminded me that I'd never been to his place, and he had no reason to expect me to be there unless something drastic had happened. That same mind always knew that logic had nothing to do with Harm and Sarah. They were just…connected, and I was beginning to see even then that I'd never had a chance. Even if she wanted to love me, she never would. Not like she loved him. But if I could have just convinced her… I put a stop to the thought, as I watched him pat his legs three times before he realized he was wearing pocketless gym shorts and his keys couldn't possibly be in them. With quick jerky movements he turned around, then back again, grabbed his keys from the table, and was toeing on one of his shoes when I finally stopped him.

"Power down Mate. No need to go taxiing down the runway. She's fine, or…something like it." I felt my back straighten, chin raise. "And if she was in need of rescuing, I'd be the one to do it."

He stood there with one foot in a sneaker, the other bare, holding his keys. Ready to bullet through the door to find her, and I knew why she loved him. He was her knight, her other half, her bloody savior. Who would go through the fires of hell to shield her from danger. But what of the everyday? What of the life that I wanted to give her? Hadn't she known that she'd never get that from him? Hadn't she known that when he valiantly carried her through those flames that he'd set her down, and be on his merry way? Leaving her alone and lonely? My heart squeezed, anger deepened. She knew all of that, and loved him anyway. It took me a moment to realize I was staring down at Harm's shoes. And suddenly they seemed enormous.

I looked up in time to see him nodding in that noble, infuriating way, and say, "Of course Brumby." I didn't know whether he was being honorable or smug, either way I wanted to knock him on his arse, just for being the one she wanted.

He waved me in, and I stepped into an apartment that looked like it had been hand crafted from floor to ceiling. The workmanship was stellar, and I knew he'd done it all, as much as I wondered why everything I saw, heard, knew about this man made my nostrils flare. What had happened to me? What had me feeling inadequate just to have him standing there? I had never been like that before. Before I fell in love with a woman, who'd already fallen in love with him.

"To what do I owe the pleasure Brumby?" He said, as he kicked off his shoe, and went to the fridge. Pulled out a beer.

"I want to know what you've done to Sarah."

He frowned. "Excuse me? You told me she was fine."

"On the outside she's just fine and dandy, but something's eating at her, and I want to know what it is."

He shrugged, and took a swig of his beer. "Why ask me?" He raised the bottle. "Oh…you want one of these?"

"No I don't want a bloody beer; I want to know why she's not talking, or smiling, or…anything!" I took a step forward. "The only time I've ever seen her this way is when she's fighting with you."

He looked baffled, but I couldn't tell if it was a put on or not. "I haven't spoken to Mac in almost a week. I've had my own…things to deal with."

"Yeah, Renee'," I said, and had his eyebrows rising. "What? I don't live in a cave you know. Everyone knows you two split. When I asked Sarah about it, she changed the subject. She never changes the subject, unless she's got something to hide."

The look on his face confirmed his agreement. I moved still closer. He watched me, trying to casually drink his beer. "So what did Mac have to do with the split between you and Renee'? And I want to know the truth."

He looked away, set his beer down and braced his arms on the counter. "Brumby, the truth is, Mac had nothing to do with the state of my relationship with Renee'. That was no one's fault but my own."

"I don't doubt that for a second, but Sarah was somewhere in the middle of it wasn't she?"

His eyes flashed, and I knew I was almost to the line. "I told you, she had nothing to do with it. And if you're having a problem communicating with Mac, maybe you should look at your own relationship."

I had to push. Had to know. "She won't let me speak your name. Why?"

"I don't know."

"She took the picture of the two of you down from her dresser. Why?"

"I don't know."

"She's trying to hide something. Walking around with the same expression, she had right before she boarded a plane to Russia and went after you." I felt my hand smack the tile of his counter, making my fingers sing in protest. "Why??"

"I don't know Mic!! How many times do I have to tell you?"

We stared each other down, then I finally nodded, seeing the truth in his eyes. "You really don't know, do you." I ran a hand through my hair, fought the urge to yank it out by the roots. "Damn it!" I stuffed my hands in my pockets, paced away, back again. "She's slipping away from me." The words were out before I could stop them. I hadn't wanted to reveal so much, but I was on shifting sand and didn't know how to plant my feet. It was unnerving to realize just how much of my relationship with Sarah rested on Renee's presence in Harm's life. Now he was free. What would she do? Would she run to him like she always did? Only this time, would she push for something more?

"She loves you Mic." His voice was quiet.

"She does? Has she told you that? Because she's never said it to me. She doesn't need me."

It was a small consolation to see the surprise on his face. "That's not true."

"Then why does she always come to you? No matter what she needs, it's you she runs to."

"We've known each other a long time. She's my partner, she supposed to be able to come to me..."

"I want to marry her. I thought she wanted the same. How can that happen if she never turns to me for anything?"

He looked away, uncomfortable. "She chose you."

I felt a frown crease my forehead. "What?"

He took a deep breath. "Damn it Brumby! She chose you. When we were in Australia, she...I...we had an opportunity to be together. I told her I wasn't ready. Not yet anyway. She didn't want to wait for me, she chose you instead. I'm no threat to you."

I clenched my fists. She didn't choose me, she settled for me, because she couldn't have him. It was only the fear of arrest, and worse the knowledge that if I beat Harm's face in that Sarah would certainly leave me, that held me back. I imagined my face was as red as my vision. I saw his eyes widen as he took a few steps back.

"You'd like to be a threat though wouldn't you mate? You'd love it if she just packed up and left me."

Temper shown in his eyes. "She wouldn't leave you Mic, she'd just throw your sorry ass out on the street and stay in her home. Don't come threatening me, just because you can't connect anymore with Mac. She makes her own choices. She chose you. You, not me! But that's not enough for you is it? You have to question her judgements. Her reasons, instead of taking with thanks what so many men would give everything they had to possess. Her. You have her, and it's not enough."

"I don't have her! Not really."

"She won't leave you Mic. She's not that kind."

I couldn't keep the snarl from my face. "But you'd love it if she did wouldn't you?"

His face grew stoney, his eyes fired. "Yes I would. Because you're not good enough for her. You act impulsively, and I don't trust you not to break her heart."

"Like you did? Is that it Rabb? No one can break her heart but you?"

"I didn't break her heart! She chose YOU!"

"Because she couldn't have you! She'd never talk about that trip to Australia, now I know why. You turned her down didn't you?"

His silence was answer enough. And I suddenly wanted to run. Suddenly wished I had never had the hair brained idea to show up at his place. I'd learned far more than I ever wanted to know, and none of if had made me feel any better. I blew out a long breath. "Something's going on in that head of hers. She won't tell me what it is. But she'll tell you. You should..."

His jaw clenched. "You're going to leave her aren't you?"

I felt simultaneously transparent and uneasy. "That's up to her."

"Bullshit Brumby! I didn't tell you what you wanted to hear and you've already got one foot out the door don't you."

I didn't have time to respond before he waved his hand toward the door. "Get out. Get out of here, and out of her life before you make anymore promises you don't intend to keep."

"Now listen here..." The fury in his eyes, stopped me from going any further.

"Out! NOW! Before I throw you out. You don't deserve her."

I headed toward the door, but shot back. "Neither do you."

"No I don't, but when I promise her I'll stay, I won't leave her at the first sign of trouble."

I tilted my head. Studied him for a long moment. "Then you've already made your decision as well."

I wanted to fight him, but there just wasn't any fight left in me. I didn't suffer fools, and I certainly didn't want to see one every day in the mirror. It was humbling to say the least to realize that I couldn't win. I could never have won.

His eyes met mine, and we shared an unexpected understanding. We both loved Sarah Mackenzie. "That's up to Mac." He said softly.

"It always was," I said, and opened the door to walk back down that dump of a hallway, and away from that whole bloody mess.

End of Scene. Good? Bad? Lumbricus rubellus? Let me know.


	3. Chapter 3

This is part 3 of Eyes Open. Told from Harm's POV.

I don't own JAG, but if I did I would have shown Harm and Mac sharing a bed much more often, even if they were only talking.

Eyes open, part 3 of 4

By TR

Rated Mild

A week and a half I sat there in my office. Holed up, and drowning in my self pity. A week and a half of remembering Renee's face when she left me. What she'd said about Mac. "She won't be walking down the isle any sooner than we will Harm. Maybe you should ask her why that is." At the time I hadn't known what she meant, all I knew was that Renee's leaving had more to do with Mac than just my blundering name mix up that day on my bed. Something had happened. Something that had prompted Brumby to try to wring it out of me with his mental fists. He couldn't do it. I hadn't known anything. For once I'd had no insight into Sarah Mackenzie, and I missed her. I missed her like Hell.

So I'd spent a week and a half watching her through my door. Knowing exactly how and when I'd gone wrong and not know what the hell to do about it. I'd watched her more closely in the days after Brumby had come in to my house spouting his bullshit. Bullshit I was trying my damnedest not to buy into. It wasn't working. Every time I saw her, I heard his voice in my head telling me that the only reason she went to him was because she couldn't have me. I wanted to question that, but deep down I knew I couldn't. I didn't want to insult Mac by thinking that she would settle for the nearest warm body just because I asked her to wait. But that's not what she'd done either. She'd gone to a man who had loved her. Who had said all the things I felt, but couldn't say. Damn him! Damn him for being for her what I couldn't be. I'd watched her for any signs of the damage that Brumby would have left in his wake when he walked out of her life without warning, but I saw none. I saw none, so I didn't know what to do. He hadn't left her yet, of that I was sure. He hadn't taken the cowardly way out, and broken her heart. Not yet anyway. So I hung back in the safety of my office and waited for the storm to roll in. Sat nestled in my comfort zone. I knew how to pick up the pieces of Sarah Mackenzie. It was dealing with the woman whole and strong that I could never, for the life of me, get right.

Should I have given her a preemptive shoulder to cry on? Would I have been able to explain why I was there without telling her about Brumby's visit? Could I have sat by and watched him hurt her without doing something about it? Could I have done something about it at all? No. I couldn't stop him from leaving her. Did I even want to? Yes, I wanted to stop him, if only to spare her the pain. But I knew I couldn't. Once again his voice rang in my head "Is that it Rabb? No one can break her heart but you?" Did I break her heart? Did I really?

It was that thought that finally booted me from my chair and had me walking in the direction of her office. I reached the doorway, and still had no idea what to say. She was immersed in a case file when I approached. I was thankful for that, as it gave me time to figure out how to open the conversation. Where to stand when I said what I needed to say. How to say it. Did I lean on the door jamb and try for humor? Did I close the door, take a seat and try to reconnect with her? I'd gone so wrong, so many times with her walking in without a plan. I was doing it again, and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why it always had to be that way. Just looking at her got me tongue tied. And not just because she was quite possibly the sexiest woman I'd ever known. I opted to close the door, but remain standing.

I was about to open my mouth to deliver my opening salvo when her voice cut in. "Is the top of my head really that interesting or are you just trying to find the words?"

I opted for humor. "A little of both. The top of your head is truly fascinating."

She looked up from the file, and I could tell she'd deflected all of my attempts at charm. I took a deep breath, and watched her eyes. They were tired and wary, and absolutely as uncomfortable as I'd ever seen them. "I haven't seen you smile in over a week." My voice was as sincere as I could make it.

"You haven't seen me at all in over a week." I couldn't decipher her tone, but it wasn't the warmest I'd ever heard.

"I know. I'm sorry. I had a few things I had to deal with."

The warmth in her eyes increased along with the wariness. "I heard. I'm sorry."

I stared at my hands and nodded. Not knowing what to say to that. I turned the conversation back to her. "Are you okay Mac?"

"Yes." She said decisively, and turned back to the file. Stared at it for less than a minute then said, "No…I don't know."

I wanted to ask her if how she was had anything to do with Renee', but I wasn't sure how to go about it. I opted for simplicity. "Is there anything I can do?"

I watched her eyes dart toward the door, and I knew she wanted me to leave her in peace, but she didn't say it. She didn't say it, so I didn't do it. Because I knew if I left her there, peace would have no part in it.

I leaned forward, folded my hands on her desk. "Have I done something to upset you?"

She frowned. "Where did you get that idea?"

"Because you haven't seen me in over a week either. Now answer the question."

Her frown deepened. "No…not to me."

No. There was no way she could know how I hurt Renee's feelings. Unless Renee' told her, but why would she do that? Wouldn't that just add to her humiliation? I couldn't ask, and resigned myself to never knowing what had gone on between the women in my life before Renee' had left me. All I knew was that something transpired between the two of them. I could have been wrong, but if so, what was she talking about? "What does that mean?"

She closed her eyes. "Nothing. I…I'm just not having a good week. It has nothing…I'll deal with it. You don't have to worry."

I angled my head and watched her. "I always worry about you. You know that."

"Well stop! Okay? Just stop! I just can't deal with this right now."

"Deal with what? Has something happened to you and Brumby?"

"You're the last person I'd talk to about that."

"Why? Mac, why can't we talk to each other anymore?"

She dropped her pen heavy on the desk, and looked me in the eye. There was so much there. So much that I knew she'd never say. "Because I messed things up by asking for more when you didn't want it. It's my fault and my doing. I should have just kept my mouth shut!"

I shook my head. "No you shouldn't have. I should have said different things." I tucked in my lips. Wondering how much further I should go. How much I could say without snapping and saying all. She still had Brumby after all. He hadn't left her. Yet.

There was shock in her eyes, and a pain that she so rarely let me see. "Please don't go there. We can't turn back the clock Harm."

"You have Brumby now." I said quietly. "Do you love him?"

Temper came into her eyes. "Do you love Renee'?"

"That's not an answer Mac. I'm not marrying Renee'. She left because she knew that. But you, you're…"

"…marrying Mic." She sighed. "Yes I am."

"Do you love him?"

"Does it matter?" Suddenly her eyes were tired, and radiated pain.

I reached out, but she pulled her hands away and put them in her lap. "Mac, of course it matters."

"Why?"

"I don't want to see you make a big mistake with a man who is going to…"

"A man who is going to what Harm??"

I felt the lead ball lodged in my chest land in my belly. "He's impulsive Mac. Unstable. I just want to make sure you're happy with him. The engagement party is coming up soon and you look miserable!"

She made some sound between a scoff and laugh. "Thanks, that's so nice to hear."

I shook my head, and wondered for the millionth time why I couldn't help but love that hard headed woman. And I knew, it was because she was that hard headed woman. "Mac, you know I think you're beautiful." I said, giving her a smile.

She stood up, abruptly. Went to her window. "Don't. Just…don't. You had your chance to…" Her voice broke and I wondered what I'd done in the last week to cause it. Brumby had been right. I was to blame. It couldn't have been just this conversation. Had Renee' really told her?

"You're right I did. I had my chance, and I didn't say the right words."

I saw her shake her head, wipe her eyes. "You were only being honest. And I shouldn't have pushed you."

"I'd like to argue with you, but it doesn't matter what I say if you love him."

"That's not a question you get to ask!" The frustration in her voice increased even as she kept her volume low. Mindful of the office setting.

"Why can't you just answer me!" I was on my feet as well. Facing her as she stared out the window. "I need to know!"

"Why??" She turned to me and the tears in her eyes tore me in two.

"Damn it Mac! I can let you go if I know that you're going to be happy. That you love him!"

"Let me go? You never had me! You didn't WANT me! The questions you should raise to yourself now, is why you pushed me away in the first place."

"I just wasn't ready." My voice was low and I'd never felt so defeated. "Your timing was…I just wasn't ready."

"Ready to do what? Stop playing the field. Stop dating Renee'. You were already with her. You CHOSE her. And now that she's gone, you come knocking on my door."

Her words were a sharp slap on an already stinging cheek. "Is that what you think? That I chose her above you? Mac, Renee' and I had been on a few dates, but we weren't really together until well after you and Brumby…" I paced away, ran a hand through my hair. "She was there Mac. And you had his ring on. Right hand, left hand, made no difference. You'd made your choice."

"What choice did I have? You pushed me away. Should I live my life alone?"

I stared at the floor. "No. No you shouldn't. And I didn't mean to push you away, I just wanted more time."

"To do what?"

"To find my land legs again. To really reconnect with you. I'd been gone for so long Mac. I just wanted my best friend back for a while before we tried for anything more. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't say the right words, at the right time." I took a deep breath. "You're with him now, and I just don't want him to hurt you like I did. I didn't know how much I hurt you until now. I'm sorry. I could say that over and over and it won't matter if you love him."

She dipped her face, covered it with her hands. "I…Harm I…"

I touched her back and felt the spark between us pop. "You don't have to answer to me. Just know your answer before you marry him. Mac, you're so….I just want so much to see your smile again."

I headed toward the door, and nearly lost the battle with myself to turn back around and throw my arms around her. But I didn't. I didn't lose the battle, because she wasn't mine to hold. And that was no one's fault but my own. Damn it, I'm sorry Mac, I thought as I made my way back to my office.

End of Scene. Good? Bad? Black Mold? Let me know.


	4. Chapter 4

This is part 4 of Eyes Open

This is part 4 of Eyes Open. Mac's POV.

I don't own JAG, but if I did I would have let Harriet have more than one living girl. Just to even the score.

This is unbetaed. All mistakes are my own.

Honest feedback is always appreciated.

Eyes open, part 4 of 4

By TR

Rated Mild

I was not usually one to pace. When I thought and pondered and worried and screwed up my courage to take whatever plunge was looming before me, I sat in a warm and dark corner and let my mind sort out all the gory details. But not that time. I couldn't just sit that time and let it all work itself out. I'd done that far too much and for far too long. If I looked closely enough I was sure I'd find that sitting alone in the dark and not letting my feet move and my mouth speak, had gotten me to that point in my life. That point where I found myself pacing. I couldn't have slowed my pace, stopped my feet from taking 5 steps, pivoting, repeating, any more than I could stop my mind from playing over and over the events of the week previous. Hell the month previous. My thumb moved in cadence with my feet, over and over the spot where my engagement ring had been. Where it had itched and burned and bothered my hand, my mind, my heart for the duration of its stay on my finger. Now it was gone, and itching had moved from my soul to my feet. Pushing me to act when in the past I would have sat and ruminated my life and my chances away. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't walk away. I couldn't walk toward him. So I'd paced, back and forth, side to side, outside the hotel room door where we'd been assigned to stay. My mind briefly fell on the Admiral and what I would give him in return for the gift of an out of town assignment, after my Fiancé had left me standing in the middle of the bullpen at high noon declaring it simply to be "over". My heart should have broken. It didn't. It didn't and so I knew. And I thanked him silently for having the presence of mind to walk away. Then the looks had started, and the tongue wagging with it, and AJ, God bless every molecule of him, sent us out on an extended investigation. I didn't have to ask why he sent us together. Harm's beeline into my office after Mic's Oscar winning bullpen break up scene had been enough for everyone to know that there were more people involved in all of that, than just Mic and Me and the fence post.

My feet slowed and I managed to anchor them outside his door. I wondered if he'd seen me pacing, but knew that if he had he wouldn't mention it. I didn't bother to knock, caring nothing anymore about modesty or privacy or anything that would stand in the way of sorting out the whole FUBAR mess.

I reached out my hand, made it clasp the knob and stepped inside. The first thing I saw were his socked feet, crossed at the ankles. I didn't look any further than his bare legs, didn't want to falter before I got out what I needed to say.

"You knew he was going to leave me didn't you." It was a statement said in more breath than voice.

"Yes," was his only reply.

I nodded. Kept my eyes on his toes. "I'm sorry I couldn't accept the shoulder you offered when he…did what he did."

I heard the rustle of paper and watched a freshly folded newspaper fall near the foot of the bed. "It's okay, I understand."

When I raised my eyes I saw that nothing accompanied his socks but a pair of white boxers. I ignored the trip of my heartbeat. "No, I don't think you do understand." I was pacing again. "I turned you away because I didn't need any comfort. It should have torn me in two to have him say those things. Especially in front of everyone in my whole world, but it didn't. I walked back into my office and had my ring off before you could get in there to check on me." I watched his eyes. "What does that make me Harm?"

"Lucky." He said it so matter of factly that I almost smiled.

"You did know, didn't you. That he was going to leave me. How? And don't tell me you just had a feeling."

He looked away, and I hoped that he wasn't going to try to smooth over the truth with Harmisms. "No. It was more than a feeling. He came to see me last week. Blaming me for putting you in an 'I've had a fight with Harm' funk. I told him we hadn't even spoken in a week. He said he was sure that whatever was bothering you had to do with me."

Shock had my mouth dropping open. "He actually went to see you? What did you tell him?"

"I told him I didn't have any idea what was bothering you, and that he should ask you himself."

My eyes squinted at him, narrowing my focus to nothing but his face. "Is that all he said?"

"No, the rest was just bullshit and posturing."

"I can believe that," I said on a snort.

Harm swung his legs to the side and scooted down to sit at the foot of the bed directly in front of me. He studied me and I found myself growing warm under his gaze. "You knew she was going to leave me didn't you."

I couldn't get my voice much louder than a whisper. "Yes."

"How Mac?"

He looked at me so earnestly, like he was ready to apologize for something I might have found out that transpired weeks ago between him and a woman I didn't particularly care for. The embarrassment in his eyes, the fear that I might in some way think less of him, was heart warming. And I remembered why I loved that man. Because he was that man, with terrible timing and a biting tongue, and warm and caring heart. Who cared about being a good man, and not just a strong man.

I didn't want to tell him about her visit, but I didn't want him to take on the weight of two breakups. As starkly appropriate though both of them may have been. "She came by my place the day she left you. She asked…." I had to swallow, try again. "She asked if you and I were involved."

He frowned. "Involved in what way?"

I had to laugh. "That's exactly what I said." My laugh morphed into a sigh, and I found myself staring at the uninspiring décor of the room. "She wanted to know if we were having an affair."

His shoulders sank, back bowed. "She told you didn't she? About my slip of the tongue?"

"Yes she did. But…you don't have to... You don't owe me any explanations."

"Was that the reason you stayed away?"

Suddenly a grapefruit was in my throat, and all I could do was nod.

He nodded, and ran a hand through his hair, making it stick up in a way that made me want to smooth it down, and trace every feature on his incredible face. Damn that man for taking my breath away, whether he tried to or not, wanted to or not.

I began again to pace, and at my second pass in front of him he reached out and took my hand. "I'm sorry." He said.

"Damn it Harm!" I said with all the force I had before I deflated. "This is exactly what I was afraid of. You're going to take the responsibility for everything that's happened onto your shoulders. You don't have to be Atlas all the time."

"I gave you a bad week. I drove away a good woman."

"Was she a woman that you loved?"

He looked down at our clasped hands. "No."

"Now she's free to find someone who does."

"I know…but."

I put a finger over his lips, and felt my knees go to jelly when he kissed it lightly. "No 'buts' Harm. Not anymore." I pulled away, giving myself the space to form coherent words. "I've thought a lot about all of this. And the more I think, the more I know that our biggest downfall, between the two of us, is...timing." He said the last word with me, and for some reason my eyes began to sting with tears. I'd finally known what it was like to inhabit the same library, in the same book, on the same page as the man in front of me. My combination of Atlas and Apollo. My Achilles. My Adonis.

I willed the tears back, readied my stance, and plunged. "Timing doesn't seem to be in the way now. You told me you wished you'd said the right words at the right time. I said you'd had your chance." I stepped forward and took his hand once more. "If I give you another chance, will you have the right words?"

I watched as his eyes changed from wary to shocked to nervous to warm. "Are you giving me that chance Mac?"

"Yes, I am."

He tugged me closer. Took a long slow breath, let it out. "I love you Mac. And whatever it takes, to turn this around, I'll do it as long as you'll have me."

My heart beat a thick and steady thump against my ribs. And I hoped he'd never stop shocking me with words like that. "I know what it's like to let you go, to move on. I don't ever plan on doing that again. If we start this now, we end it in death…hopefully a good 60 years from now. I can't do this if that's not what you want. If you want something less…"

He smiled, and I was both surprised and pleased at the absence of fear in his eyes. "That's the goal. Eventually."

I couldn't hold back the grin. "I can live with that." I moved in close, and was glad I'd chosen a jogging suit instead of my uniform. In one motion I slipped my legs around him and landed in his lap. "I can live with it," I said against his mouth. "Because I love you too."

And when he kissed me I knew that 60 years wouldn't be nearly long enough.

End of scene? Good? Bad? That freaking muscle I ripped in my lower back two days ago? (What a pain!) Let me know.


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